Introduction 

• We are taught from a very young age that we should say ‘yes’ to things and embrace the positive outcomes associated with saying ‘yes’. Saying ‘yes’ makes you a fun, courageous, dedicated, social and risk-taking person. Equally we are actively discouraged from saying ‘no’ and as such there are a number of negative connotation associated with saying ‘no’. These negative connotations include being classed as: selfish, lazy, boring and uninteresting.
• I want to challenge these stereotypes, not to argue that you should never say ‘yes’ or that there won’t be times when you won’t want to say ‘yes’ but should for different reasons. I’ll highlight how you can leverage a lot of power and freedom from saying ‘no’ and that we all need to embrace saying it more regularly. I want to highlight that by saying ‘yes’ to everything you will inevitably sacrifice quality, your productivity and ultimately your happiness and the happiness of those you care about.
• Specifically, in this piece I want to: (a) explain why saying ‘no’ can help you achieve more, enhance your credibility and value (b) highlight the different inspirational views people have on the power of saying ‘no’ (c) help you deliver the perfectly pitched & timed ‘no’.

Saying ‘no’ helps achieve goals, enhancing credibility & value

• The single most important thing that will help you see the positive of saying ‘no’ is this: by saying ‘yes’ you have to be saying ‘no’ to an alternative, to something else. This is simple economic opportunity cost. Often, we don’t see the whole picture relating to this. Your boss asks you to stay late to finish a report, by saying ‘yes’ to them you are saying ‘no’ to the endless other possibilities, which includes: catching up with an old friend, playing sport or even building your skills & knowledge to get a better paid job with a company you really love. Remember the big picture, never view a ‘yes’ in isolation.
• Saying ‘no’ will help you achieve your primary goals (once defined!) in three simple yet highly effective ways:
  • Increase productivity & quality – By saying ‘no’ to the less important activities you will be more productive on the things that matter, this will happen because you’ll have less distractions, both in the moment of activity and for preparation. Having more time to focus on your primary goals allows you to research and test ways to best increase your productivity and the quality of your output.
  • Increase dedication – Dedicating more time to your important goals helps you create a deeper emotional and physiological connection with them, making it more likely that you will stick at them and follow them through to completion.
  • Increase creativity – Saying ‘no’ to everything that isn’t of fundamental importance to you means less time worrying or getting frustrated by the uninteresting ‘busywork’ which doesn’t help you grow your abilities.
• The power of ‘no’ doesn’t just come in the form of in increasing the above, it can also help you enhance your self-discipline, credibility and value:
  • Self-discipline – Making an informed decision to say ‘no’ signals to those around you that you are a strong and self-discipline individual, who makes rational and well informed decisions.
  • Credibility & Value – If people know that you could say ‘no’ to them if you don’t think they are valuing your time well enough, they will be more selective about when and how they approach you. This means less time getting constantly asked stupid or un-important questions and more time spent in progressive and engaging conversations which are more meaningful to you and the individual.
• Therefore, if you can learn to say ‘no’ you will ultimately be doing two things; (1) have more time to focus on your important goals (2) signal to those around you that you are a self-disciplined person with credibility and if people want to engage with you they need to do it in a well thought out way, otherwise they face being embarrassed or disappointed when you deliver a ‘no’.
• It is also worth highlighting that this holds true both in personal and work environments. In the same way you don’t want your colleagues wasting your time at work you don’t want to spend your personal time in a pub with someone you don’t really like and haven’t got much in common with. We all have a fixed amount of time each day, ensure you are choosing the activities you undertake wisely and focus on those that will help you reach your primary goals fastest and optimally and also those which will maximize your happiness and wellbeing.

Views of inspirational people

• I am definitely not the first person to talk about and discuss the importance and the power of saying ‘no’, although I hope I am offering a fresh and alternative perspective. There are a number of highly inspirational and influential people who have excellent views on this topic, two of which I want to spend some time on here.
• First is Derek Sivers. For a number of years now Derek has been living his life by the following principle; ‘It’s either HELL YEAH! or no’. Derek highlights that he will only do or agree to something which makes him say ‘HELL YEAH!’, if it doesn’t make him say that it has to be a ‘no’. This means that he doesn’t do anything which sounds ‘okay’ or ‘kind of fun’. This means that he says ‘no’ a lot, and it doesn’t affect him, because it allows him to focus and dedicate time to the things he loves and the things he is best at. Find more information here; https://sivers.org/hellyeah
• Secondly, Seth Godin has shared an excellent checklist which can help you decide when unsure if to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’, but also a kick to remind you to say ‘no’ if you ever fall back into the habit of saying ‘yes’ again.
  • If you’re not proud of it, don’t serve it
  • If you can’t do a good job, don’t take it on
  • If it’s going to distract you from the work that truly matters, pass
  • If you don’t know why they want you to do this, ask
  • If you need to hide it from your mum, reconsider
  • If it benefits you but not the people you care about, decline
  • If you’re going along with the crowd, that’s not enough
  • If it creates a habit that costs you in the long run, don’t start
  • If it doesn’t move you forward, hesitate then walk away
• Find more information here; http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2016/03/on-saying-no.html

How to deliver ‘no’ 

• I hope by now I am at least warming you up to the idea of saying ‘no’ more often, to free you up to focus on more important things. What I want to do now is provide more information on how to deliver a ‘no’ correctly. There is a fairly large amount of evidence to support the view that saying ‘no’ is going to be less well received and taken more negatively than; (a) we often intend (b) a yes. This phenomenon is also described as a ‘negativity bias’ by Dr Roy Barunesiter, one of the first neuroscientists to look how and why a negative comment has a stronger impact than a positive one. This phenomenon makes it even more important that we understand how best to deliver a ‘no’.
• The first and most important thing to consider when looking to deliver a ‘no’ is that you need to understand & appreciate the circumstances. The circumstances you are in define the approach you need to take.
• A number of approaches to delivering a ‘no’ revolve around the use of a ‘white lie’. A ‘white lie’ is often defined as a minor or trivial lie, and usually uttered in the interests of tact, politeness or appearing well-intentioned. There are 3 main approaches:
  • Don’t say no immediately – A ‘no’ that follows a ‘thoughtful decision’ is often better received than an immediate and impulsive ‘no’. Even if you don’t actually think about or consider the decision, it looks like you are to the person asking and that can make them feel better about receiving the ‘no’.
  • Use others as an excuse – From saying you can’t work late because you’ve date night with your partner, to using work as an excuse to skip catching up with a boring acquaintance, people will be happier to receive a ‘no’ if there is a legitimate reason for it, they don’t need to know that reason isn’t a real one.
  • Don’t say the word ‘no’ – Language is a wonderful tool and allows you to say the same thing in hundreds of different ways. Don’t be afraid to use phrases like; ‘I’m not sure now is the right time’, ‘I’m not comfortable with that.’ ‘I’d prefer not’ ‘I’d rather…’
• Some would consider the ways I’ve mentioned above to be somewhat cowardly, even deceitful, and I wouldn’t disagree, but there are circumstances when you have to deliver a ‘no’ following one or all of those approaches. There are, however, other reasons why you might want to think twice before using the ‘no’ delivery methods I’ve described. Firstly, lying can lead to you being stressed about being found out and having to spend a lot of time embellishing and remembering your excuse/story. Secondly, by putting off responding you increase your own anxiety or guilt over the inevitable ‘no’ you’ll be delivering soon. Therefore, there are absolutely times when you have to deliver the ‘no’ immediately and with finality – just like ripping off a plaster. There are a number of things that you can do to help deliver a successful – plaster ripping – ‘no’;
  • You are doing them a favour saying ‘no’ immediately – You haven’t used the ‘white lie’ approaches, you haven’t intentionally strung them along and it can be beneficial to remind people of this fact.
  • Provide clear & rationale – It is more difficult to be offended or upset by being told ‘no’ when you are provided a clear set of rational arguments.
  • Use honesty & emotion – but only do this after delivering your clear and quantitative reasoning. Being told ‘no’ creates an automatically emotional situation, and by matching that emotion immediately you risk things escalating and not being received well. However, once you’ve provided the rationale and someone has got over the immediate shock/disappointment being honest and re-connecting on a positive emotional level can be hugely effective and help ensure no long term ill feeling.
• Kevin Rose appears to be a supporter of the up-front and honest approach, he suggests that ‘If you’re going to say no, do it now. “Maybe” is not fair to the asker.’ He also makes an excellent point around the ‘fear of saying yes’. You should never be afraid of saying no because you could offend the asker. Better to say no, you’ll grow from the experience and become a stronger person.

Conclusion

• Overall, society at a macro level remains anti-no, and there are a number of negative connotations associated with saying ‘no’. The aim of this piece has been to shed light on this and highlight there are a number of crucial benefits’ of saying ‘no’ more often, namely: to increase productivity, increase dedication, increase creativity as well as help you improve your self-discipline, credibility and value. However I do not argue that you should never say ‘yes’, there are circumstances when you should say ‘yes’ even if it doesn’t directly benefit you or won’t be fun.
• If you are interested in finding out more information around the power of ‘no’ I suggest looking at more work from Derek Sivers and Seth Godin.
• Finally, remember there is a right and a wrong way to deliver a ‘no’, so think about the individual circumstances and consider the things I’ve highlighted above. As society begins to pivot and more widely appreciate the power of ‘no’, the delivery should become less important. But until such a time, be conscious and cautious but not afraid to deliver it.

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